Aftermath
by eorocks
Summary: A one-shot about our favorite detectives...that turned into a five chapter story.
1. Chapter 1

Elliot pulled open the door to the party room, and ushered Kathy inside. He heard an exclamation from her. _Surprise. Delight_. He didn't know.

"This is beautiful!" Kathy exclaimed, confirming the latter.

Elliot looked around the room; the party room that sat at the top of Alex's apartment building. Soft music was playing in the background, the lights were dim, and the room was decorated with white lights, beautiful chandeliers, and white tulle. He walked in a little farther, letting the door close behind him, and scanned the room. "Uh-huh." He answered absent-mindedly. He was looking around the room, taking it all in, but subconsciously, he was looking for Olivia.

"I thought you said there weren't going to be many people here." Kathy said, clutching his elbow. "There has to be at least 100!"

"Yeah, well…" His words were cut off by someone saying his name, and he turned to his left to see Alex approaching. She looked genuinely surprised to see him, but when she reached them, she wasted no time introducing herself to his wife. He heard Kathy introduce herself and saw her shake Alex's hand, and then he heard a comment from Kathy about Elliot being surrounded by beautiful women at work. He smiled and pretended to listen as they talked, but his eyes were tracking around the room. It only took moments before he spotted Olivia across the room.

She wasn't facing him, but was turned at an angle so that he could see her face. She was talking to some man, and she was smiling up at him as they spoke. He saw the animation in her face…the smile that went to her eyes…and felt a pang in his gut. His eyes traveled downwards, barely registering the black sequined dress…the outline of her body. All his attention was focused on this man's hand on her hip…resting there lightly…intimately. He looked back up at the smile on her face…and then flashed over to the man standing in her space. He knew two things immediately.

 _She knew this man._

 _She liked his hands on her._

He felt Kathy's fingers dig into his elbow and he looked over at her. She was looking at him with wide eyes, and had cocked her head towards Alex. "I said we brought some wine."

Elliot nodded and handed the wine to Alex with a smile. "Oh yeah. We didn't know what to bring so…"

"You didn't need to bring anything." Alex said. "But thank you. I'm glad you were able to come after all." Alex looked back and forth between them, and Elliot held eye contact as she spoke. "Elliot said you had some neighborhood party."

"Yeah…" Kathy said, shifting next to Elliot. "Elliot decided to surprise me with a night in the city." She smiled up at him. "We had a sitter anyway, so we asked her to stay the night."

Elliot saw Alex raise her brow. "Well, that's certainly romantic." She gave him an amused look, and then she turned so she was facing the room in front of them. "The bar is over there." She said, pointing to the left side of the room." And there's some food over there." She pointed to the right.

"This room is beautiful." Kathy said. "With all the floor to ceiling windows, it makes it feel so open. And it's a beautiful view of the city."

Kathy still had her arm linked through his. "Don't you think so?"

Elliot looked down at her…at the smile on her face…and gave her a small smile back. He knew that beneath its' glossy exterior, the city was teeming with predators and abusers. It didn't hold the same luster as it did for her. He placed a hand over hers and smiled. "Yes."

"One of the perks of living in this building." Alex said. "But I had to reserve it two years ago. Everyone wants to have a New Year's Eve party up here."

"Well, thanks so much for inviting us." Kathy said.

"Sure." Alex said, a genuine smile on her face. "John showed up tonight too, much to my surprise." She leaned in towards Elliot. "And he brought a date."

Elliot raised an eyebrow. They knew about Munch's ex-wives, but they hadn't heard about anyone special in his life recently. "I can't wait to meet her." Elliot glanced casually over towards Olivia. "I see Liv's here already." He said, and Kathy glanced over in the direction he was looking. Elliot swung back to look at Alex. "Who's the man she's talking to?"

"Andrew." Alex said, as if she was reminding him.

Elliot didn't recognize the name, and it must have been written on his face. He saw a look of surprise on Alex's face.

"Andrew McDermott. Liv's boyfriend."

 _Boyfriend._ Not date.

"I didn't know Olivia had a boyfriend." Kathy said, her voice slightly brighter…lighter somehow. "You never said anything."

Elliot looked down at her, noticing the slight change in her demeanor. He didn't share her enthusiasm. "Let's get a drink."

They wandered over to the bar, and Elliot saw some familiar faces along the way. People he'd seen in the courtroom in one capacity or another; he assumed everyone here was a cop, lawyer or in social work of some kind. Kathy was asking him about Olivia's boyfriend again as they approached the bar, but as luck would have it, John was there with his date.

Elliot barely caught her name, but was happy when John started talking to Kathy and peppering her with questions about the kids. He ordered a beer for himself, and wine for Kathy, and he turned back towards John as he handed Kathy her glass.

"Elliot is Olivia's partner." John was explaining to his date. _Susan?_

"Ah." Susan nodded. "We met earlier. She seems really sweet."

Elliot stifled a laugh. He thought about Olivia tackling a suspect earlier today. Sweet was not a word he would use to describe her, nor one she would use to describe herself.

"Liv's the heart of SVU." Munch said, almost proudly. "She's a great detective. She's fearless."

 _Fearless._ That was better. Elliot stole a glance across the room, noting that Olivia and her date… _boyfriend_ …really hadn't moved. They seemed engrossed in conversation, and he saw Olivia lean in, place her palm against his chest, and laugh lightly at something he had said.

 _Boyfriend._ He hated everything that the word implied.

He wondered how long they had been dating…and why Olivia hadn't said anything to him.

"I give you a lot of credit. I don't know how I'd feel if my husband had such a beautiful woman for a partner." Elliot heard Susan say, and he tuned back into the conversation. "I would be jealous." She gave a small laugh, almost as if she regretted saying it, and Elliot wondered if John had said something to her about how close he and Olivia were. If he had told her about the rumors.

Kathy put her arm around Elliot's waist. "Well, I used to joke that he spent more time with Olivia than he did with me."

Elliot smiled uncomfortably, remembering the times those very words being thrown at him. She certainly _hadn't_ been joking.

Kathy continued. "But trust is the foundation of any marriage." She squeezed gently, and Elliot wondered if she believed what she said. He knew there had been times when she'd had the same questions herself, but he assumed that she thought she didn't have anything to worry about since he hadn't pursued a relationship with Olivia during their separation.

 _If she only knew._ Just because he hadn't, didn't mean he didn't want to.

It was his biggest regret.

He can't stop thinking about what could have been.

Elliot heard the conversation turn back to the kids, and Kathy was telling Susan and John about Eli starting to take his first steps. He turned his body slightly, looking back across the room for Olivia. He found her almost immediately, since she hadn't moved from her original spot. But his gaze was distracted by Olivia's boyfriend. He was saying something to her with a grin on his face while he toyed with the strap of her dress.

Elliot felt a rush of annoyance, almost bordering on anger.

He eyed Andrew, really looking at him. He had to be a couple of inches taller than Elliot, but was slighter in build. He had dark, wavy hair, but was clean shaven. He was dressed in a nice black suit with a white shirt, and it made Elliot think that maybe he was a lawyer. Of course, he had no way of knowing, since Olivia hadn't bothered to tell him anything about her new beau.

 _Olivia._

He had been so distracted, sizing up the man in her life, that he had barely looked at her.

Now he wished he hadn't.

He was used to seeing her in uniform; in black boots, black pants and a shirt of some sort. Tonight, she was transformed. The black sheath dress she wore hugged her body, and it shimmered as the light caught it, as if silver threads were woven throughout. The dress scooped gently in the front, showing the fullness of her breasts, and as his eyes traveled down her body, all he could see was lots of dark, tan legs. The hem of her dress fell a lot higher than he ever would have imagined she'd wear; not that she couldn't pull it off. She was wearing black shoes…spiky heels that only accentuated her legs and her height. His eyes roamed back up, noticing the way the material hugged her hips and her breasts, and he felt a stab of jealousy as he watched Andrew's fingers trace a path across her collarbone.

At that moment, Olivia lifted her empty glass, and her date dropped his hand from her body. They both turned as if to head towards the bar, and Elliot didn't realize it in time to turn away. Olivia's eyes met his...seeing him in the crowd at the bar immediately. He could see the surprise there…shock. He had told her that he wouldn't be at the party a long time ago, and now he was hit with the realization that she probably attended because she thought he wouldn't be there.

Elliot watched as her boyfriend looked back at her, probably wondering about her hesitation, but then Olivia was moving towards him again. Maybe her hesitation was all in his mind. He narrowed his eyes as Andrew slipped his arm around her waist, and he felt a stab of possessiveness.

 _Mine._

The word pulsed in his mind, seeming to grow louder as he watched them walk towards him. He saw Alex, Munch and his date moving away from them, but their excuses didn't even register. His attention was focused on Olivia. He couldn't help but let his eyes roam down her body, but he quickly met her eyes again. He could see her disapproval.

He didn't know if it was because she'd caught him ogling her, or if she was upset because he'd shown up at the party.

"Olivia's coming over." Kathy said, and he glanced down quickly. He felt like an asshole, because he'd almost forgotten she was standing next to him. He wondered if Kathy had been watching him as he watched Olivia.

He thought maybe she had, because in the next second, she wrapped her fingers around his elbow and taken a step closer to him.

"Kathy." Olivia said as the stopped in front of them. "It's so good to see you." Elliot watched as she gave Kathy a quick hug, pressing her cheek to his wife's like women do. As Olivia stepped back, she looked at Elliot. She gave him a small smile. "Elliot."

Olivia turned to her boyfriend. "Andrew…this is my partner, Elliot Stabler, and his wife Kathy." Olivia gestured towards them during her introduction. Then she looked at Kathy, and Elliot thought she was purposefully avoiding his gaze. "This is Andrew McDermott."

Elliot noticed that she didn't provide any other information, but he held out his hand and grasped it firmly.

"It's great to meet you." Andrew said, flashing a smile. "I hear a lot about you."

"Yeah?" Elliot said, raising an eyebrow and glancing over at Olivia.

Kathy laughed. "I know exactly what you're talking about." She glanced over at Olivia. "I think Eli's first word is going to be Liv."

"Eli is the latest addition to the Stabler family." Olivia offered by way of explanation, and Kathy proceeded to tell Andrew the story of Eli's birth. Elliot wanted to stop her rambling, but it was too late now. He was thankful she was at least giving an abbreviated version.

Andrew was looking over at Olivia as the story unfolded, and he slid his arm around her waist again, and bumped her hip slightly. "Just when I thought you couldn't be any more amazing…" he teased.

Olivia pressed her lips together and gave him a small smile, deflecting his comment. "Knock it off."

Elliot could see that they were close. It was in their body language…in the way they touched each other. This wasn't someone Olivia had dated a few times. They were a couple.

 _They were sleeping together._

It was like a punch in the gut.

Suddenly he couldn't stand there another moment, listening to the small talk people make when they're new to each other. "I'm going to get a drink." He nodded at Andrew. "Nice to meet you." He knew his tone said anything but, but…

He didn't really give a damn.

In five steps, he was at the bar, and he ordered a beer. In three sips, it was almost gone, and he nodded for the bartender to give him another.

He needed to calm down.

Olivia dated…she had dated lots of different men over the years. He wasn't crazy enough to think that a beautiful woman like Olivia didn't go out…didn't sleep with the men she dated.

But they'd never stuck. Even the ones that had lasted a few months.

He had never really thought about her falling in love…not while they were…well, _them_.

Elliot finished off his beer and picked up the second.

He had no right. He should be happy for her.

"You're being your usual charming self." Olivia said.

Elliot turned quickly, surprised to see Olivia on his left. The sarcasm in her voice was evident. He couldn't bring himself to apologize.

"Red wine." Olivia said to the bartender before she turned back to Elliot. "What are you doing here?"

"We were invited."

Olivia sighed.

"Would you like me to leave?" Elliot knew he was being an ass, but he couldn't seem to stop it. He looked down at his half-empty beer; he didn't want to see the expression on her face right now.

"Babe…everything okay over here?" Andrew sidled up and placed his hand on Olivia's lower back.

 _Babe?_ Elliot heard the endearment and he gritted his teeth.

"Of course." Olivia said, flashing him a quick smile.

"Well, Jamie and David just got here. Let's go over and say hi."

Olivia nodded. "Sure."

Elliot saw her glance over at him before Andrew guided her away from the bar. "We'll talk later." Andrew threw out to Elliot, and Elliot narrowed his eyes slightly. It seemed like a friendly comment, but he thought he noted a hint of something else in his tone. It made him think that he had been right in thinking someone had been talking about them, or that he'd somehow been privy to the rumors.

Maybe it was all in his mind.

Elliot turned and watched them walk away, catching sight of Kathy in his peripheral vision. She was walking towards him, and he plastered a smile on his face. "What can I get you from the bar?"

EOEOEOEOEOEO

As the evening wore on, Elliot tried to stay in the moment and focus some of energy on Kathy. She was having a good time and he owed it to her. Since Eli had been born, he had been home even less than usual, and he knew she didn't get a night out very often.

Still…he couldn't help tracking Olivia.

He wished he didn't, because every time he found her, he couldn't help noticing how she and Andrew were always touching in some way…how the smile on her face reached her eyes…how animated she was.

She seemed happy.

He should be happy for her.

Ultimately, he'd look away.

The music had been turned up and people were dancing in the middle of the room. He looked over at Kathy. "Wanna dance?" He got a smile from Kathy, and he felt a pang of regret. He couldn't say what for…maybe because the list of transgressions was so long. He placed his hand on her waist and pulled her closer, and they started moving to the music. "Are you having a good time?" He said softly as the danced.

"Even though it would have been fun to see everyone at the Ketchum's, I'm glad you surprised me with this party and the hotel and everything. I didn't realize how much I needed a night out."

Elliot felt another wave of guilt wash over him. He gave her a weak smile, and pulled her close. At that moment, his eye caught Olivia as she and Andrew slipped outside. There was a large patio, protected by the wind, but he didn't think they were going out there to admire the view. In the next moment, he watched as Andrew slid his arm around Olivia's waist, and pulled her close, holding her much like he was holding his wife right now. And then he was kissing her…

Elliot looked away.

EOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot was standing with Kathy in a small crowd of people, when he saw Olivia walking towards the end of the room. It was the first time she'd been alone the entire night, and he assumed she was heading to the bathroom. He'd been out there earlier, and he knew there was a small vestibule out there with the bathrooms and what he assumed were storage closets.

He turned his attention back to the conversation, and heard Munch regaling everyone with some story about a past New Year's Eve. He tried to focus, but his mind drifted back to Olivia.

He made an excuse, gave Kathy a weak smile, and followed the path Olivia had taken.

Elliot pushed through the door, and felt the cool air hit his face. It was refreshing…sobering. He hadn't realized how warm it was in the party room. He realized Olivia must still be in the bathroom, and he hesitated a moment, wondering what he was doing out here.

He leaned with his back against the wall and scrubbed his hands over his face.

"El? Are you okay?"

Elliot looked up when he heard Olivia's voice, and he straightened up. "Yeah."

Olivia looked around. "What are you doing out here?"

"I just…" He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I needed some air."

"It _is_ a little warm in there." Olivia agreed.

Elliot saw Olivia shift back and forth on her heels, and he knew he only had a few moments before she went back to the party. "Are you having a good time?"

Olivia nodded. "I am. I didn't realize how much I needed a night out."

Elliot heard the same words his wife had uttered just a few hours ago. "That boyfriend of yours…he doesn't take you out?"

"Don't." Olivia said, a slight warning in her voice.

"What?" Elliot asked, trying to pretend his tone hadn't been laced with bitterness. "He seems like a good guy." He offered by way of an apology.

"He is."

"How long have you two been…"

Olivia cut him off. "Is this really what you want to talk about?"

"I just…" He stopped. "I haven't seen you all night and I just wanted…" His thoughts were all over the place.

Olivia shook her head slightly, as if she could read his mind. "I should get back." There was wariness in her voice.

Elliot took a step closer, feeling a moment of panic. He didn't want her to leave. He wrapped his fingers around her arm and tugged her around the corner into another small hallway.

"Elliot, what the hell?"

He dropped his hand from her arm and stepped back a few paces, giving her some space. He saw the shock on her face, but she stayed rooted in place.

"I'm sorry." He apologized quickly. "I…" He dropped his head and pressed the palm of his hands against his temples. He dropped his hands and looked back at Olivia, and he could see the concern on her face. "Everything is so fucked up Liv." He said. "I don't know how we ended up here."

Olivia remained silent, and he had to give her credit for not speaking what was on her mind. They both knew exactly how they'd ended up here. He remembered the look on her face when he'd told her Kathy was pregnant…the change in their relationship in the days that followed. She had pulled back…they had become partners again…just partners…and all that it implied.

There was no more what if's…

"I should never have…"

"Don't." Olivia said sharply. "Don't. She said more quietly. "I can't…" She shook her head. "You can talk about what you should or shouldn't have done, but it doesn't change anything."

Elliot noticed the impassive look on her face, but he could see the emotion in her eyes. Up until that moment, he hadn't been sure if she still felt the same way about him that he felt about her.

"Maybe it's not too late." He said desperately. He saw the look of surprise on her face.

Olivia looked down, hiding her expression. Elliot saw her shake her head slightly. "I'm with Andrew now."

Elliot heard the tentative way she said it. "Liv." He said, his voice broke as he said her name, and she looked back up at him. "I tried to get past it…to get over you but seeing you with him. It's a fist in my gut. It made me realize…"

A tear slipped down Olivia's cheek and he saw her swipe at it as she cut him off. "Don't." She said again, putting up her hand as if she could block his words and emotion. "I can't do this…" She started to walk away but Elliot grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"Please…Olivia…I can't go on like this. I love you."

Olivia stopped in her tracks, and Elliot let his hand drop. He watched as she turned back to face him.

"I know you feel the same way." He said urgently.

Olivia wasn't looking at him, but he saw she was struggling with what he'd said. He had imagined telling her a million times, but never like this. He kept silent, letting his words hang there as she wrestled with her emotions. He realized he was holding his breath, and he saw her swallow hard as she lifted her head.

"I don't." She said quietly, but he could see there wasn't any conviction in her words. She wrapped her arms around herself and the protective action wasn't lost on him.

"Olivia…" He didn't want to push her, but he knew that if she walked away at this moment, it was really over for them. "Please. Don't say that."

Olivia closed her eyes and inhaled deeply and when she opened them again, Elliot saw her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "You made your choice." She whispered as she dropped her arms. "You made the choice for both of us." She pressed her lips together and swallowed hard. "I can't do this. I've cried, and I've wanted, and I've hoped and I…" Her voice choked a little. "I can't do it anymore. I can't wait for you to pick _me_ …"

Olivia's words slammed into him, and he realized just how much he'd hurt her.

She looked at him with this incredible mix of sadness and regret, and she turned and started to walk away. He wanted to stop her. He wanted to plead and beg…he wanted to hear her tell him that she loved him too. But her pain was so palpable. He had done that to her.

He knew he had to let her go.

"Goodbye." He whispered.

And then she was gone.

AN: I know you probably aren't happy with me right now. This story didn't end like I intended it to…but this is how it came out. I'm considering turning it into a story, but for now, it's a one-shot.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks to everyone that read Aftermath. It was meant to be a one-shot, but once I posted it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The rest of the story was writing itself in my mind. So, for those that liked the angst and enjoyed it as a one-shot, just close this chapter and don't read it. For those that wanted more, read on. It will only be a couple of chapters long, and here's the next one! Thank you.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot had his back to the wall, and as the door closed behind Olivia, he slid down slowly, burying his face in his hands. He sat there, wondering what the hell he had just done.

The door burst open, and his heart jumped in his chest, thinking maybe Olivia had come back. He lifted his head, and saw Kathy marching towards him with a bewildered expression on her face.

"Elliot…" She said, her face lined with worry. "Are you alright? What's going on?" He watched her look back towards the door and then back at him, and her brows knitted together in confusion. "I saw Olivia rush out of here and she looked upset…" She stopped suddenly, and her expression morphed from one of worry to one of disbelief, as she focused on his pained expression. "Elliot…" She whispered, covering her mouth with her hand.

Elliot looked back up at her, and saw her shaking her head slowly.

"What have you done?" Her voice was small, but he could hear the accusation.

He wanted to deny that anything had happened…tell her it was just a fight about work, but he couldn't. He was done with lying. He'd been lying to Kathy…to Olivia...to himself. Some were outright lies, and others were lies of omission, but it didn't matter. Because even though he thought he'd been doing the right thing, the result was disastrous. Each decision he'd made had consequences, and he'd forced everyone else into their role.

"Kathy…I…" He pushed himself up against the wall until he was standing, but he didn't move any closer. He knew his silence was giving her time to fill in the blanks, but he couldn't find any words.

"I don't understand…" Kathy said, and Elliot could see she was struggling with a myriad of emotions. Anger…fear…denial. "You told me you wanted to come home…that you _wanted_ to make things work…" She choked out the words. "I believed you." She swallowed hard. "I trusted you." She stared at him. "All these years. I've been such a fool."

"No." Elliot took a few steps towards Kathy, but she backed away, so he stopped. He knew he'd been an asshole and dishonest about his feelings for Olivia, but he had to make sure that she knew they had never crossed the line. "I never cheated on you."

Kathy pressed her lips together and Elliot could tell she was trying to choose her words. She was never one to make a scene; even though they could fight with the best of them at home. "Excuse me if I don't believe you."

"We never…Olivia wouldn't…" Elliot said. He knew it wasn't much, but he wanted to let her know.

"Olivia wouldn't…" Kathy let that hang there for a moment. "Well maybe I should thank her for keeping you faithful." The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable.

"That's not what…" Elliot started.

Kathy held up her hand. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything you have to say." She let out her breath slowly, and he knew she was trying to maintain her calm. She collected herself and when she spoke again, her tone was flat…cold. "Cheating isn't just physical…"

Elliot dropped his head, unable to look her in the eye. He heard a quiet sob escape from her, and then her footsteps as she walked away. He knew he should say something…that he should try to stop her and apologize. But he knew she didn't want to hear another apology from him.

He lifted his head and watched as his wife slipped through the same door as Olivia had just minutes before.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot arrived at the squad room on Monday morning, and Cragen was talking to Fin and Munch. He turned as Elliot joined them. "You're late."

"Sorry. I had some things to take care of this morning." That was an understatement. He'd spent New Year's Day and Sunday packing up his things and looking for an apartment. He couldn't pull anything off that quickly, so for now, a cheap hotel in Queens was his home.

"I was just telling Fin and Munch that we're going to be down to the three of you for a bit." Cragen looked pointedly at Elliot. "Olivia's taking some time off."

Elliot feigned surprise; he was anything but. His mind had come up with all kinds of potential scenarios of how this was going to end…none of which appealed to him. He had wanted to reach out to her; to tell her to please stay. That they could figure out how to work together. He had picked up his phone dozens of times to call or text her, but he'd never hit send. Whatever she decided to do…it was her decision. "How long?" Elliot asked, steeling himself.

"Two weeks." He sighed.

Elliot wanted to ask him if she said why she was taking the time, but that would only bring up questions.

"I'm going to see if we can transfer someone in temporarily." Cragen continued.

"It's just two weeks." Fin said. "We can handle it."

Cragen looked back at Elliot. "She said she might take more."

"What the hell?" Fin asked.

"She's got the time accrued." Cragen said. "For now, Elliot will work solo and we will change it up as needed." He backed away and then turned towards his office. "Elliot…a word." He said, without looking back.

Elliot looked at Munch and Fin and then followed him, knowing he wasn't going to like the conversation.

"Close the door." Cragen said as he rounded his desk.

Elliot did as he was told, and then leaned against it with his arms crossed in front of him.

"Anything you need to tell me?" He asked, remaining on his feet.

Elliot pressed his lips together and shook his head.

"Are you sure about that? Because I have to wonder when one of my best detectives calls me on a Saturday and tells me they need to take two weeks off."

"What did she say?" Elliot asked.

"I'm asking _you_."

Elliot hated this game. He knew Cragen had his suspicions, but in all the times he had talked to them over the years, he had never asked any direct questions. He always waited for them to divulge little pieces of information…make admissions. They never did.

He knew this was why they had survived as partners all these years.

And why Cragen had never really wanted the truth.

"Maybe that last case got to her."

"So, she didn't say anything to you about this?" Cragen asked.

 _Shit_. Elliot tried to think of a plausible reason why Olivia wouldn't have said anything to him about it, but he came up empty. "Yeah…well."

"Cut the bullshit." Cragen said, shaking his head. "I've turned a blind eye for too long. But only because it didn't impact your work. But this time…" He looked down at his desk and then back up at Elliot. "This time, somethings different. Olivia was trying to hide it, but she was upset." He sat down in his chair. "I need you to tell me what's going on."

"It's not what you think." Elliot said. "Olivia and I have never crossed the line." He didn't know if he should be talking about the two of them to Cragen, but he didn't think he had a choice right now, and he didn't want to lie anymore.

Cragen didn't say anything, waiting for Elliot to continue.

"Olivia and I…it's just… we're close but we never… It's complicated." Elliot said, looking down at the floor and shifting back and forth on his feet. "I mean…" He let out a heavy sigh. "Captain…" He swung his head up. "It's not going to be a problem. Olivia and I had a little disagreement on Friday night, but we're going to work it out." He tried to sound convincing.

"A little disagreement?" Cragen challenged. "I don't think a little disagreement would push Olivia to take two weeks off. She hates taking time off."

"We'll work it out. This thing…" He shifted again. "It's not going to be a problem. Olivia has a boyfriend and she's happy." He realized he was rambling and he stopped. "We've gotten through worse."

Cragen seemed to consider his words, and it was obvious he was trying to decide if he should push it any farther. "This can't be a problem if you want to stay partners."

Elliot didn't say anything as the weight of his words sunk in. He hadn't expected Cragen to say anything different; he'd heard the words before.

The difference was that this time…he didn't think he could fix it.

EOEOEOEOEO

Two weeks turned into four, and in that time, Elliot realized that he had to be the one to leave.

He'd lost his wife and his home. He'd lost the love of his life.

Losing his job seemed trivial now.

He didn't want Olivia to be forced to leave; he owed her that.

Cragen had accepted his request for transfer stoically…as if he'd expected it. But he was genuinely surprised when Elliot asked him to tell Olivia about his transfer.

To his credit, he didn't say a word.

Elliot took a few weeks off while the transfer papers went through. Like Olivia, he had a lot of accrued time, and he used it to get himself settled in his new apartment.

Elliot thought about Olivia a lot.

He still hadn't talked to her, and the thought that he might never talk to her again was almost unbearable. He had nothing but time on his hands right now, which left him too much time to think. He turned it repeatedly in his mind. What he could have done differently…what he should have done.

The sad thing was, he didn't think he would do anything differently if he had to do it again. He had always been driven by his obligations.

Of course. Olivia had played a role in this as well. If she had told him…if she had pushed, even a little.

It was always at this point that Elliot had to distract himself to stop this torturous line of thinking. Because none of it mattered.

It was over now.

But every once in a while, he allowed himself to fantasize.

There would be a knock on the door and she would be standing there. She would tell him how much she loved him, and that she forgave him. And he would pull her into his arms and kiss her with a passion that would steal her breath away.

It always ended there, because he wouldn't allow himself to take it any farther than that.

He had a new life now. A job in homicide for the next couple of years, until he could retire. Weekends with his kids…or at least some of them. A new apartment in the city.

He tried not to hate it…to accept it for what it was.

He wondered if Olivia was happy…if she ever thought about him.

He knew she would…because as much as she was a part of him…he was a part of who she was too.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thanks for the positive response to me continuing this story. Here's another update.

EOEOEOEOEO

Three months had dragged by, and Elliot's routine didn't vary much. He had Eli every other weekend, he saw the other kids as their schedules permitted, and he went to work. He was adjusting to a new precinct, a new squad and a new captain.

 _And_ a new partner.

Sometimes it still surprised him when he glanced over, and Olivia wasn't sitting in the car next to him. His new partner was nice enough…a man just a few years younger than him…but they hadn't exactly hit it off right away.

He knew it was his fault. He wasn't looking for a friend. He wanted to come to work, do his job and go home.

Home.

He still didn't think of his new apartment in the city as home.

Another new thing he was adjusting to.

Every night, he couldn't wait to escape the precinct and get back to his apartment, but once he got there, he felt unsettled…claustrophobic. He couldn't shut off his mind. He was full of nervous energy, and more often than not, he would escape into the city streets. Sometimes he headed to the gym. Sometimes he went for a run. Sometimes he just walked…wandering the city blocks until the March wind had numbed him completely.

Tonight was one of those nights. A late winter snowstorm was sending snowflakes swirling through the air and his face and hands were frozen. But he kept walking.

And like he did every other night, he looked for Olivia's face in the stream of people moving past him.

It was crazy to think that in a city of 8 million people, he would just run into her.

But that didn't keep him from looking.

There had been several nights that he'd had he urge to walk to her apartment. To see if the lights were on. But he knew that was a slippery slope. If he did that…especially if he caught sight of her in the window, or worse yet, walking into the building…the temptation to reach out to her would be even worse.

No. This was better.

He'd ripped off the band-aid. Cut himself off completely. He convinced himself that he'd done the right thing. That she was happy.

She must be…because she hadn't been in touch either.

Cragen had called to check in on him periodically, and Elliot appreciated the fact that Cragen gave him a quick update on everyone in the squad. The last he'd heard a few weeks back, Olivia was working with Fin, and the new guy was working with John. Elliot took a measure of comfort that Fin was there for Olivia. He knew Fin was a good friend to Olivia…that he would be there for her without pushing…and that he'd have her back.

Elliot clapped his hands together to try to generate some heat, and looked up at the night sky. The city lights drowned out most of the stars, but the moon was full and loomed large in the sky. Elliot took a deep breath, and not for the last time, he wondered what Olivia was doing tonight.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot grumbled in his sleep when he heard his phone ringing on the nightstand. He reached out blindly and snagged it with his hand, looking at the clock as he accepted the call. 130AM.

"Stabler." He answered gruffly as he rolled on to his back. He heard his new Captain on the other end of the line. Elliot heard him rattle off an address; the residence of a young woman that had been found dead by her boyfriend when he got home from work.

Elliot pushed himself out of bed and took a two-minute shower. He was ready to go by the time his partner, Jerry Mason, pulled up in front of his building.

"Hey Mason." Elliot said as he slipped into the front seat of the sedan. He clapped his hands together, wishing he'd grabbed a warmer jacket. April had thawed the snow and the temperatures had started ratcheting up, but it was the middle of the night and the air was still cold.

They were quiet as they rode through the city, and it only took them 20 minutes to get to the crime scene. They saw the flash of the lights on two squad cars and an ambulance, but they knew this victim wouldn't be in the back. This young woman would be leaving with the ME.

Elliot had wondered about working homicide vs. SVU…the difference between live and dead victims. The conclusion he'd come to is that they both sucked.

He slid out of the car and walked into the building with Jerry. The trudged up the stairs to the 3rd floor, taking in the details of the building. It looked like a decent place to live, but Elliot knew your address didn't matter. Crime touched every place in this damn city.

When they walked into the apartment, they were met with the office that had responded to the call. He gave them a quick recap, from the time the call came in to when he responded.

The uniformed officer had just uttered the words _We think she's been raped_ , when Elliot heard Fin's voice.

"Well look at that old dog…"

Elliot turned and saw Fin walking towards him with a grin on his face. He took his hand and shook it, but he looked quickly towards the door. Because if what Cragen had said was true, then Olivia would be paired with Fin…

And then…there she was, walking through the door.

She hesitated when she saw him, and a flash of surprise crossed her face. But in true Olivia Benson fashion, she recovered quickly. She walked over to where he was standing with Fin, and Elliot couldn't take his eyes off her.

It had been almost four months since he'd seen her. Fifteen weeks since she'd looked at with him with such sadness, and had left him behind.

He thought he remembered everything about her…had every feature memorized…but looking at her now…he thought maybe he had never realized just how fucking stunning she was.

Her hair was longer, and she looked a little thinner, but she looked amazing.

"Friends of yours?"

Elliot tore his eyes away and glanced to see his partner at his side. "Yeah…" He introduced Jerry to Fin and then turned back to Olivia. "And this is…I mean…was… my partner. Olivia Benson." He waved his hand in Jerry's direction. "This is Jerry Mason."

Olivia smiled, and Fin acknowledged the introduction, but Elliot knew that everyone could feel the awkwardness of the situation. Jerry didn't know anything about his past in SUV, or why Elliot left. Elliot knew he'd probably made assumptions about burn-out or issues within the squad, but he couldn't have guessed the real reason behind his departure. Elliot looked over at Jerry, and saw him looking at Olivia and then back at him.

Maybe he had.

"The victim's name is Sarah Lowell." Jerry said, and Elliot appreciated the interruption. "She's in here." He started heading towards the bedroom, and Elliot watched as Olivia and Fin followed him. He knew he should go with them, but he needed a minute.

He should have known that it was only a matter of time until he ran into her on the job. Rape and murder were linked way too often.

But still, he _had_ been surprised.

He had assumed that if he saw her again, it would be by choice. His or hers. Or some highly unlikely random meeting on the street.

But here she was.

And, like an idiot, he was standing in the other room.

He swiped a hand over his face and walked into the bedroom. The two pairs of detectives spent the next 15 minutes discussing possible scenarios and then CSU showed up. Jerry and Fin were talking to one of the techs, and they moved over to the cluttered desk in the room. Olivia stayed rooted in place, staring down at the dead body of Sarah Lowell.

"Never gets any easier." Elliot said stoically.

Olivia sighed, and he knew that she understood he wasn't just talking about the victim. "No." She didn't look up at him as she continued. "You'd think it would…but every day…" Her voice trailed off and a few beats passed before she continued. "It just doesn't get any easier."

Elliot wondered what it was that she was going to say, before she caught herself. He shifted on his feet, and he could feel a nervous energy running through his body. He had waited almost four months to see her…to talk to her…and now he was at a loss for words.

"So…how's it going, working with Fin?"

Olivia shrugged. "It's fine. He's a good partner." She glanced over at Fin and then up at Elliot. The room was starting to get a little crowded as the ME arrived, and Olivia nodded her head towards the doorway.

Elliot got the hint, and he followed her out to the living room. They ended up in the small galley kitchen; the only place that didn't have uniforms or CSU techs at that moment.

They leaned with their backs against the counter, opposite each other, and Elliot watched Olivia as she looked down at the floor. He didn't know what was on her mind right now, so he waited.

"El…"

God, he missed hearing his name fall from her lips.

"I know this isn't the time or place…but we haven't…" She looked up at him then and pressed her lips together. She stared at him for a moment, and he could see she was thinking about whether or not she wanted to say what was on her mind. He hoped she would. "We haven't talked since…"

She swallowed hard and looked back down at the floor before she continued. "I came back, and you were gone." She lifted her head but the second her eyes met his, she looked away...out the small window at the end of the kitchen. "I know why you thought you had to leave but…"

Elliot interrupted her. "I thought you _wanted_ me to leave…" The words coming out of her mouth didn't make sense. "You took all that time off and I thought you didn't want to be partners…that you thought we couldn't work together anymore."

This time, Olivia interrupted _him_. "I never said that." She shook her head and repeated it. "I _never_ said that. I just needed some time and space." She was looking right at him now. "But when I came back, you were just…gone." Her voice was quiet now, and she turned her head away again. "I never thought that you'd leave without talking to me…"

"I didn't want to go…but I didn't want _you_ to have to be the one to leave." Elliot said.

"You could have talked to me." Olivia said, turning her head to look at him again. "We could have found a way…"

Elliot remembered the words exchanged at the party. He remembered the pained look in her face. "Do you honestly believe that?" He tried to keep his voice low; there were too many people around. He considered suggesting that they meet later to talk; this wasn't the place to have this conversation, but now that they were talking, he didn't want to end it.

Olivia let out a sigh. "I don't know." She looked back up at him. "But after 10 years…it shouldn't have ended like this."

Elliot felt a glimmer of hope; maybe they could find a way to repair all the damage that had been done. He glanced over at a tech that was headed in their direction, but the young man veered off when he saw the warning in Elliot's eyes. "You're right." He glanced back into the living room, and Olivia followed his gaze. "But we can't talk here. Fin and Mason are going to be looking for us, and there are too many people around. Can we meet up somewhere later?"

Olivia looked back at him with her lips pressed together, and he knew she was thinking about it. She crossed her arms in front of her body and that's when Elliot saw it.

A glint of silver…a prism of white light casting its' pattern on the walls, as the sun filtered through the window.

It was a ring…a diamond ring…perched on her left ring finger.

Olivia must have realized that he'd seen it, because she dropped her arms, covering her left hand with her right. Elliot realized she'd been wearing it the whole time, but he just hadn't noticed.

He felt as if a cold hand had wrapped itself around his heart and was squeezing the life out of him.

 _I'm with Andrew now_.

Her words echoed in his brain.

"I think that's a good idea. I'd like that." Olivia forged ahead. Elliot just stared at her folded hands; he was unable to form a coherent response. "El?"

His eyes left her hands and drifted up to capture hers. "You're engaged."

Olivia shifted on her feet; her discomfort was apparent. She parted her lips, but she didn't say a word. She simply gave him a brief nod. Then she took in a breath, and Elliot knew she was going to say something else…and he wanted to hear it. He wanted to know when she had gotten engaged, and why she hadn't even bothered to tell him. He was her best friend…her…her…

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone. He reached for his, until he realized it was Olivia's. She reached for her back pocket, an apology on her face. "It's Cragen." She whispered. "I have to take it."

Elliot watched as she accepted the call. "Hey Captain." She started to walk out of the kitchen, but she put her hand over the microphone and paused to look back at Elliot.

"I'm sorry." She mouthed, and then she disappeared around the corner.

Elliot didn't know if she was apologizing for the interruption, for the engagement, or for everything that had happened between them.

It didn't really matter.

"Me too." He said quietly to himself. Then he breezed past her as he walked out of the apartment and charged down the stairs, never looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: I thought I could finish this story with one more chapter, but it's going to take two. So, hang in there. I know it's been long between updates, so you may have to read the last chapter again to remember where we're at! Here we go._

EOEOEOEOEO

 _Please answer me_.

Elliot read the latest text message from Olivia, but just as he had with every text and call she'd made in the last two weeks, he ignored it.

The calls had started within an hour of his disappearance from the crime scene. He had listened to every one her voicemails. He heard the softness of her voice…the pleas buried in her words.

 _El. I know you're angry, but can we please talk?_

 _El, I want to talk this through. Please…call me._

 _I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I was angry about how you left, and I thought you didn't want to talk to me… *sigh* please El. I don't want to do this on the phone._

He must have gotten twenty voicemails…all with a similar theme. The phone calls stopped but then the text messages started. It had been fairly constant, but as the days dragged on, they became less frequent.

He re-read the last message. It had been two days since the last one, and he could almost feel her persistence winding down. If he was a betting man, he didn't think he'd hear from her anymore.

He told himself he was doing the right thing. She was happy…she was getting married.

The thought of it was damn near killing him, and he knew that if he talked to her, he was likely to ask her to throw it all away for an uncertain future with him.

He couldn't ask that of her.

He'd had his chance. As Olivia had reminded him just moments before she had walked out on him.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot woke to the sound of his phone ringing, and for a moment he was disoriented. He realized he had fallen asleep on the couch with his phone in his hand, and he held it up in front of his face to check the caller ID.

 _Kathleen._

"Hey." He answered gruffly, unable to keep the sound of sleep out of his voice.

"Dad." He could hear the frustration in her voice. "I left you a couple of messages and you haven't called me back."

"Yeah…sorry about that." Elliot said. Once the messages from Olivia had stopped over a week ago, he hadn't felt like talking to anyone. Kathleen had called twice yesterday, and he had intended to call her back. "I was going to call you."

"I'm downstairs." Kathleen said. "Buzz me in."

Elliot knew by the tone of her voice that he wasn't going to convince her otherwise, and he really didn't intend on denying her. He already felt guilty enough about ignoring her calls. He rolled himself off the couch and walked over and hit the buzzer by the front door. He braced an arm against the wall and dropped his head slightly, trying to shake the grogginess from his uneasy nap on the couch.

He stood up and swiped a hand over his face when he heard footsteps approaching, and he pasted a smile on his face as he opened the door.

Kathleen didn't pause for a second as she breezed past him into the apartment. Elliot could tell she was pissed, and he closed the door after her and turned to face her.

"You look like shit." Kathleen said frankly, standing in the foyer with one hand braced on her hip.

"Kathleen." Elliot said disapprovingly. But his admonishment didn't deter her.

"This apartment is a pigsty." She turned and motioned to the take-out food containers and the empty beer bottles on the coffee table and then turned back to face him. "What is going on with you?"

"Nothing." Elliot shrugged. "I've just been working a lot and…"

"Bullshit!"

Elliot didn't even bother to call her on the swearing. She was riled up and he knew from experience there was no stopping her now.

"Mom said you told her you couldn't take Eli this weekend." Kathleen shrugged her shoulders. "You're not working." Her tone indicated there was no excuse for his behavior. She stared at him, expecting an answer. But she didn't wait for one. "You always love to have Eli." She raised her eyebrows, and continued. "Maur says she hasn't heard from you in weeks. And now you're not returning my calls."

"Kathleen…" He didn't know what to say to her. He scrubbed a hand over his mouth and pushed off the wall, moving past her into the living room. He started to pick up the trash on the coffee table, unable to look at her.

"Dad. Stop." Kathleen grabbed his arm and the empty containers tumbled back onto the table and the floor. "This isn't like you." Her voice was quiet now, and Elliot could hear a trace of fear laced in her tone. "Tell me…what's going on?"

Elliot pulled his arm gently from her grasp, and sat down heavily on the couch. His eyes were focused on the mess on the coffee table, but he saw Kathleen sit down in the oversized chair across from him.

"Dad?" Elliot gritted his teeth together and looked up at his middle daughter. "Please…talk to me." she pleaded.

Elliot shook his head. This was his daughter; he was supposed to take care of _her_. "I'm just…I'm sorry. I've just had a rough couple of days." He looked back down at his hands as he grasped them together. "I'll call Maureen. I promise."

Kathleen pressed her lips together, trying to rein in her emotion. "Is this because of what's going on with you and Mom?"

"No." Elliot shook his head. "Your mom and I…" Elliot ran his hands over his head as he leaned back on the couch. He knew she wasn't going to buy some pat answer. "We tried. I really wanted to make it work."

"I know that." Kathleen said. "We all know that."

Elliot wasn't certain if she was talking about her brother and sisters or Kathy too, but it didn't make him feel like less of a failure. "This was all my fault. Not your Mom's."

"It takes two." Kathleen said simply, and Elliot was amazed by her objectivity, and her gift of understanding.

"You're right, but I made mistakes. I made it hard on your mom. I was never there. She was home alone with four small kids and she could never count on me. I missed so many things…so much." Elliot was shaking his head again. He leaned forward, braced his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands.

"We know that you did the best you could do. All those times you weren't home, we knew you were doing something good. I may not have realized how important at the time, but I do now. And you were always there for us when it really counted. We all know we were a priority for you. Which is why I'm here now. I know something's wrong." Kathleen paused a beat and took in a deep breath before continuing. "Does this have something to do with Olivia?"

Elliot lifted his head to look at his daughter, and he knew the look in his eye warned her that she was wading into dangerous territory.

"C'mon Dad. I'm not a little girl any more. You and Mom called it quits and you changed jobs…"

"Kathleen." Elliot's voice was ragged, but stern.

Elliot wondered if Kathy had said something to her; he didn't think she ever would. But if she was upset, maybe something had slipped out.

"Talk to me." She pleaded.

The words of denial were on his lips when he saw the look on her face. She _wasn't_ a little girl anymore, and she was asking him for honesty. It put him in an odd situation, and he didn't know what he was willing to divulge, but in that moment, he decided he'd try to be as honest with her as he could. "Olivia's getting married."

He had never said the words out loud, and hearing them now somehow made them seem more real.

"Oh wow." Kathleen sat back in her chair in surprise. That obviously wasn't what she had expected to hear. Elliot watched as she processed his words, and he wondered what was going through her mind right now. There was no way that she or her siblings could know how he felt about her. They saw her as his partner and a friend.

Now that it was out there, he wished he hadn't said it. It implied too much. "A lot of things are changing, and I just felt like it was time to move on. Besides, most people in SVU only stay for a couple of years. It's just a lot of change and I guess I'm not handling it very well." Elliot tried to give her a plausible explanation for his recent behavior, but she simply stared at him.

"I thought…." She started. "When you and Mom called it off again, I thought that maybe you and Olivia…" Kathleen's voice trailed off. But she forged ahead before he could interject. "I thought maybe you and Olivia were going to…" Kathleen shrugged her shoulders. "You know…get together. I mean, you left your job and I assumed…" She got a puzzled look on her face. "Olivia's getting married?"

Elliot could see she was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He knew what he was telling her conflicted with her hypothesis, and it was throwing her. He wondered how the idea of he and Olivia had even entered her mind, but then again, he shouldn't really have been surprised. All his children had witnessed the dynamics between he and Kathy and Olivia their entire lives.

"But if you two aren't dating, then why did you leave your job? You love working with Olivia." Kathleen stopped…a sudden look of comprehension on her face. "Oh my God." She covered her mouth with her hand.

Elliot knew the final puzzle piece had clicked into place, but he didn't know how he felt about his daughter knowing a secret he'd held close for so long.

"You love her." Kathleen's words were soft…almost reverent.

Elliot didn't say a word; he knew he wore his confirmation in the expression on his face.

"And she's marrying someone else." Her words were a statement, not a question.

Elliot could see tears brimming on her lower lashes. Kathleen and Elizabeth had always been his empathetic children, and he knew she was feeling real pain for him. "Kathleen. It's OK." He said, trying to reassure her, even though her words caused a fresh wave of pain. He pressed on. "She's happy. I'm happy for her."

His words rung hollow, even to his own ears. He was trying to believe them.

"But Dad…" Kathleen leaned forward and reached out towards him.

Elliot shook his head. "It's done."

"But you have to tell her." Kathleen said. "Maybe she feels…"

Elliot grasped Kathleen's hands between his own. "Kathleen, stop." He took a deep breath and softened his voice a little. "I _did_ tell her."

Kathleen looked at him with a puzzled expression, and he knew she couldn't comprehend the complexity of the situation. "She doesn't love you?"

"It doesn't matter. I made my choices and she's made hers."

Elliot stood up and walked over to the window, and a few seconds later, Kathleen was at his side. She touched his arm lightly as they both stared out the window. "If you love her, you can't just let her marry someone else." She whispered sadly.

Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his body. He kissed her forehead. "I know you don't understand, but this thing between Olivia and me…it's complicated. We weren't being honest with each other, or with ourselves. I had my shot, but I messed up. We both did. And now it's too late."

"I don't believe that." Kathleen said.

"You don't believe it because you don't want it to be true."

"You're not even going to fight for her?"

 _You didn't choose me._ Olivia's words rung in his head in an unending loop.

"You may not believe this, but I want Olivia to be happy. I'm not going to stand in her way." He could feel his daughter's tears wet his shirt, and he felt bad that he'd laid this burden on her. "I'm sorry Kathleen. For everything. I shouldn't have told you all this, but I appreciate that you were concerned about me." He kissed her forehead. "Believe or not, I'll get through this."

As he stood staring out at the Manhattan skyline with his daughter in his arms, he wished he could believe it.


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Readers. I hope you've enjoyed this short story. This is the last chapter, so please leave a review. It means the world to me. Thank you!_

EOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot smiled at the text from his daughter.

 _Just checking in. How're things going?_

Ever since that Saturday afternoon in his apartment, Kathleen had made him her special project. He had sworn her to secrecy, exacting a promise not to tell her mother or any of her siblings about what he had divulged. She had taken him seriously, thanked him for trusting her, and it had changed the bond between them.

She had also put herself in charge of his well-being and mental stability. She texted him almost every day, and popped in at least once a week, bearing a pizza or take-out of some sort. He wanted to tell her that she didn't need to worry, but he was enjoying the time with her. And he did have to admit that he was finally starting to come out of his funk. He was having all the kids over to his apartment this coming weekend, he'd grabbed a drink after work with the guys in his squad just the day before, and he was trying to reach détente with his wife. His ex-wife.

He was starting to adjust to how life was going to be without Olivia in it.

That didn't mean he didn't still think about her every damned day. The difference was that now, he was starting to learn to smile at the memory of what they had instead of focusing on the pain of what he'd lost.

He texted Kathleen back, letting her know that he was doing just fine, and that he was heading home. It had been a little over a week since he'd seen her, so if he had to guess, she'd be showing up on his doorstep today or tomorrow.

He'd barely had time to shower and change when he heard his buzzer going off. He smiled at her predictability, and he pushed the button on the intercom. "C'mon up hon." He hit the button to release the door she could get into the building, and walked into the kitchen. He reached into the refrigerator and grabbed a beer for himself and a bottle of water for Kathleen. He found he was anxious to talk to her and hear the latest on her classes and her boyfriend woes.

He had just set their drinks down on the coffee table when he heard a light knock on the door. He could imagine Kathleen juggling bags of food and he rushed over. He had a grin on his face as he swung the door open. "Hey!"

The grin on his face faded slowly when he saw Olivia standing outside his door. He blinked hard, wondering if it was a mirage.

"Hey." Olivia said softly.

Elliot tried to find his voice, but he could only stare. He was suddenly paralyzed with the weight of how much he had really missed her. He thought he'd been doing so much better, but he had been fooling himself.

"I guess I'm not who you were expecting." Olivia said, shifting on her feet. She waved her hand vaguely in the direction of the hallway behind her. "I can go."

Elliot broke out of his reverie. "No." He said forcefully, worried she would disappear in front of his eyes. He softened his voice a little. "No. I'm not expecting anyone. I mean…I thought it was Kathleen. She drops in and checks in on me. But it's ok. She's not coming by. I never know when…" He stopped abruptly after he realized he was rambling. "Do you want to come in?"

Olivia cocked her head slightly, and the uncertainty on her face made him think she had stopped by on a whim. He looked at her then…really looked at her. She was wearing running shoes, leggings and a sweatshirt he recognized as his own. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, but some of it had escaped, and her face was free of make-up. She looked beautiful and vulnerable and he decided in that moment that she hadn't intended to show up at his door.

"Are you sure it's ok?" Olivia asked.

He understood her uncertainty, after the abrupt way he ended communication with her. "100%". He gave her a small smile as he stepped back, making room for her to enter without crowding her. He watched as she walked in and stood in the small foyer, looking around.

"This is nice." She said, focusing her attention back on him.

He could tell she was uncomfortable. "Thanks. It doesn't usually look this clean." He joked, trying to break the tension. "Come on in." He walked into the living room and motioned towards the couch, and he was happy when she followed him. He watched as she perched stiffly on the couch, and he sat down in the chair across from her. "I was going to ask you how you knew I was living here, but then I realized you're a detective." He grinned at her, and he saw her start to relax slightly.

"I barely even broke a sweat." She teased back, and he felt a huge sense of relief at the normalcy of it.

"Yeah, yeah." He rolled his eyes at her like he had so many times before. "We all know you're the better detective."

That got a small chuckle of her and a flash of surprise crossed her face, and he realized he had probably never told her what a great cop she really was. She should have heard those words from him and he added it to the list of things he didn't tell her. He wanted to say more, but the moment had passed.

Elliot saw her looking around the room, and some of the awkwardness lingered. "I know it doesn't look like much, but I haven't really had time to…" He shrugged his shoulders. "get things." Kathleen had told him it still looked like a bachelor pad, and he had finally gotten around to putting up photos, but it was still pretty bare.

"It looks fine El."

Elliot's heart skipped a beat at the use of his nickname. He had really missed that.

"It takes time." Olivia said graciously. "How long have you lived here?"

He realized she didn't know the whole story. Whoever had given away the information about his move had obviously been vague on other details. "About five months." He said truthfully. She wouldn't have to be a detective to trace his move back to that fateful New Year's evening.

Olivia nodded, and she didn't seem surprised.

"So…" Elliot said, wondering if she was going to tell him what had driven her to stop by today. He wanted to ask her if she'd talked herself out of it before today, and if so, how many times. But he knew he wouldn't. The agenda was hers, and looking at her now, she knew it. His eyes dropped to the bottle of water and the beer sweating on the coffee table. "Do you want a beer? Or a water?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "A beer would be good."

Elliot practically leapt out of his chair and into the kitchen, and grabbed two cold beers. He opened both of them, and took a long swig from his before he walked back into the living room. As she reached for the proffered beer, Elliot's eye caught sight of the diamond ring on her finger, and it brought him back to a startling reality.

Olivia wasn't here to proclaim her undying love for him. She wasn't here to tell him she'd made a mistake.

He hadn't really thought she was, but buried somewhere deep inside of him, a small spark of hope had ignited.

He watched as she settled back on the couch and curled her legs beneath her, and he noticed her shoes on the floor in front of her. "Make yourself comfortable." He teased. He regretted it immediately as he saw her question herself. "Relax. I was just teasing you." He sat down in his chair and leaned forward, dangling his beer between his fingers. "I'm glad you're here."

Olivia gave him a small smile. "I wasn't sure…"

She didn't fill in the blanks, but Elliot knew what she wasn't saying. He was the one that had cut off communication, and it had been a risk to just show up.

"I know." He reassured her. "But I meant it. It's good to see you. Really good."

The weight of his words lingered there, and he worried that he would say too much. He sat back in his chair and took another drink. "Tell me how things are going with the squad. Things falling apart without me?" he chuckled and once again, he saw Olivia visibly relax.

Elliot listened as Olivia related stories about Fin and Munch and about the two new detectives that had rotated in. She made him laugh as she told him about practical jokes and a crazy suspect that thought he was Superman, and two power outages that drove them to temporary quarters and it made him happy and homesick at the same time. He was glad to hear that life had gone on, and that she had adjusted to being partners with Fin.

They were through their second beer by the time Elliot had shared his own experiences in Homicide. He made more of his relationship with his new partner than really existed, but he didn't want her to worry about the changes he'd made. They were both laughing as they discussed the similarities and the differences between SVU and Homicide, but he knew that as they both laughed, they were both thinking about how much they missed this.

"How are the kids?" Olivia asked earnestly. "Tell me what they're up to."

Elliot updated her on all the kids, and ended with Eli. He related Eli's progress as he crawled around, and admitted to having to babyproof a little more. "He's probably going to start walking any day now."

"I can tell you miss spending time with him." Olivia said, hearing the wistfulness in his voice. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" he asked.

"For whatever role I played in all this." Olivia looked down at the beer bottle in her hands and picked at the label.

Elliot leaned forward and set his beer down on the coffee table. "Liv…listen to me." He waited but she didn't look at him. "Olivia." He watched as she lifted her head and looked at him. "This isn't your fault. It was my marriage…my responsibility. I made choices that I regret now. Everything you said at that party was true."

"What I said. It wasn't fair." Olivia interrupted. "I lay all the blame on you, but I have to take responsibility for my part in this whole thing. I could have said something. I should have. We both knew." She shook her head slightly. "Maybe things could have been different." Her voice was very small.

"You were trying to save my marriage." Elliot said with a sigh. "We were both just trying to do the right thing." He leaned back in his chair. "It doesn't matter anymore Liv. We can't go back." He scrubbed a hand across chin. "And I'm not sure that if we did, we would have done anything differently. It's the reason I left SVU…the reason I stopped calling and texting." He struggled to keep the emotion out of his voice. "I fucked up my life, but I wasn't going to stop you from moving forward. I had to get out of your way. Stop holding you back."

Olivia was shaking her head. "You weren't holding me back. You were never holding me back."

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know Liv. You met someone…you're getting married."

Olivia looked down at her ring, twisting it on her finger.

Silence hung between them for a moment before Olivia spoke again. She still didn't look at him as she continued to toy with her ring. "I just…I've had a lot of time to think, and I just didn't understand how we ended up here. I thought maybe you hated me. I don't want you to hate me."

Elliot snorted. "Christ Liv. I couldn't hate you if I tried." He saw Olivia look up at him, and he hoped she heard the sincerity in his voice. "I love you."

The words hung there, and Elliot knew it was up to him to break the silence. He wanted her to understand that he'd left her for exactly that reason. He wanted her to have the happiness she deserved. "This guy…Andrew. He seems like a good guy. Is he good to you?"

Olivia pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, and her nod was almost imperceptible. She looked back down at the ring as she swirled it around her finger. "He's smart and he's patient…he's understanding about the job. He makes me laugh." She looked back up at Elliot. "He loves me."

"That's good." He gave her a genuine smile. "That's everything I wanted for you." He said softly. "You deserve it."

"Yeah." Olivia said heavily, as if she didn't believe it.

"Liv…" Elliot said. He could tell she was holding something back.

Olivia put up her hand to silence him. She unfolded her legs and stood up, wandering over to the fireplace. Elliot followed her with his eyes, and watched as she braced one arm against the mantel. She was looking at a recent photo of he and Eli, and he saw her trace her fingers lightly over Eli's smiling face. "He wants a family." Elliot could hear the pain in her voice. "We've talked about adopting."

"That's great Liv. It's the family you always wanted."

"I love him." She whispered, and Elliot's felt the pain as if it were fresh. "I do." Her voice was ragged, and Elliot wanted to say something to make her feel better, but he was barely holding on himself. Olivia turned to face him. The late afternoon sun was shining through the blinds, causing strange shadows, but he could still see that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "But he deserves so much more…"

"Don't say that."

Olivia kept talking, as if she hadn't heard him. Elliot saw a tear escape her lower lashes. "I'll never love him as much as he loves me." Elliot felt his heart skip as the tears streamed down her face. "I've already given my heart to someone else."

"What are you saying?" Elliot said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"You know what I'm saying…"

"Liv. You have a future with Andrew. With me…" He swallowed hard. "I'm a broken down, divorced father of five. I'm a hard-headed, stubborn, son-of-a-bitch…" This had to be a mistake, and yet, as she stood there staring at him, he felt the iron vise around his heart start to loosen.

"Yes, but you're _my_ hard-headed, stubborn, son-of-a-bitch." Tears were streaming down her face and her voice was strained. " _You're_ the one that's supposed to be at my side. Partners for life…isn't that what you said?"

Elliot stood and stared at her. Could this actually be happening? Or was it some kind of cruel joke? Some dream he'd wake up from?

"El?"

Elliot saw the concern on her face and he realized he hadn't said anything. But he was overwhelmed…his emotions were so raw.

"I'm not expecting marriage or…"

Elliot realized she was panicking now, and he was out of his chair in a second. "Shhh." He whispered as he reached for her. He framed her face with his hands, and he gently swiped at her tears as he stared down at her. "Do you know what you're doing?" He whispered. "Because if I kiss you…there's no going back for me."

"Yes." Olivia said breathily. "I know exactly what I'm doing."

Elliot lifted his left hand and brushed her hair back from her face. He relished the feel of the silky strands against his fingers. His heart was beating out of his chest, and actually skipped a beat when he felt her hands move over his shoulders. He wondered briefly if it was the same for her.

Seconds later, he got his answer. The moment his lips touched hers, he felt a tremble run through her body. He placed a small, gentle kiss on one corner of her mouth, and then the other, before he covered her mouth with his. He kissed her slowly…sweetly…savoring the taste of her. He poured a decade of want into that kiss, and his body was tingling with sensations. And then, Olivia opened her mouth to him, and he tangled his fingers in her hair as he tilted his head and deepened the kiss.

The moment her tongue touched his, he heard her gasp, and he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. He couldn't get close enough to her, and his body was on fire. Everything about this felt so right…and he knew he was right where he was supposed to be. If he had been able to form a coherent thought, he knew he should be thanking God for sending her back to him. But the only thing he could think about was how it felt to finally be holding her in his arms.

He didn't know how long they'd been kissing, but he felt her hands push against his chest and he released her mouth. They were both breathing heavily, but neither moved away. He held her loosely with one arm, and brushed her hair back from her face. "Do you know how long I've wanted to do that?" he asked.

"Probably not as long as I've wanted you to."

Elliot chuckled as he rubbed his thumb lightly back and forth along her swollen lips. "We both win I guess." He leaned in and stole another quick kiss and he saw the smile on Olivia's face when he pulled back. "I hope to God this isn't some kind of wonderful, horrible dream."

"This is about as real as it gets." Olivia whispered, resting the palm of her hand against her chest. She pushed herself up on her toes and placed a kiss on his jaw. As she settled back in his arms, she looked back up at him. "So, what happens now?"

Elliot released her, and took her left hand in his. They both looked down at the engagement ring on her finger. "Tell me you know what you're doing." His heart was racing, but he needed to make sure she had thought this through. "Tell me you've thought about what you're giving up."

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

"I can't make any promises that it will be easy." Elliot said. He knew they had a lot of things they'd have to work through. Their history, his ex-wife, his kids.

"When have we ever chosen the easy way?" Olivia said.

"I just want you to be sure."

"Are you trying to talk me out of this?" Olivia asked with a tease in her voice.

"No." Elliot said quickly. "Of course not."

"Then shut up." She gave him a big smile, and it lit up her entire face. "I love you, and I'd take a million imperfect days with you vs. a million perfect days without you."

Olivia started to slide the diamond ring from her finger, and when it was off, he let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. She curled her hand around it, and leaned into him. "We've already wasted too many."

"You're right." He said as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I'll spend the rest of my days making it up to you."

The End.


End file.
